Since June, I've buried five family members, and seventeen friends. I don't need people to tell me to 'not feel down' or to 'look at the bright side'. I need to cry, to let it out... to do otherwise is unhealthy for me. I don't need to hear anymore about shootings, stabbings, muggings and violence, I've seen and been subject to enough of all of them in my lifetime. I need to hear about happy things, births, weddings, birthday celebrations, and funny things. Just because my soul is in shatters doesn't mean that funny things don't amuse me. I just can't break through this curtain of internal pain.
I stood at the graveside of a lost friend, gently placing a wreath on his grave. My throat caught, and I couldn't stop the tears. I went for coffee and the topic of discussion was the Ct. shootings. It was too much and my heart shut down. Yesterday, I went to a Christmas dinner, and the only thing that was talked about was death ALL day. Then I was frowned at when the smile left my face. Today, I went to church with a heavy heart, hoping to feel some small measure of joy in watching the children perform. I guess church is the last place you'd expect to find joy at christmas. from Sunday school on, the day was centered on lost loved ones and death. On leaving, I was reminded to take a flower in honor of my dead family. In prayer, I wept. I was told (in vagaries) not to feel. Everytime I venture out, or turn on tv or even facebook, there's nothing but death, dying, and pain.
Hard to pull out of depression when the world is acting against you to keep you there. Reminding you every minute of everyday about your losses. How you can't enjoy the holiday without a family, without friends...I've lost them, so don't expect me to enjoy the holidays.
You have more than a little bit to be depressed about and anyone who frowns at you for losing your smile is a big pickle breath boo boo head. That's the time you need a pat on the hand and a comforting smile. A friend cannot take away the pain or fix it, but they can be by your side so that you don't go through it alone.
ReplyDeleteStay away from the news and walk away from those who are saying these things. Simply state that you have had enough death and need to focus on life. Big Hugs.
Thanks, KGF. I am sooo looking forward to the new year. Hope to make some new friends. The kind who do walk by you through the valleys as well as on the mountaintops! :)
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